I recently blogged a Springdale Town Council meeting where the assembled commissioners declined to grant permission to Earth Day celebrators to enjoy my favorite health food - Beer!.

The main thing that happened as a result was that the celebration moved down to the “Bit and Spur”. They’re always careful to remind you there that Utah law requires that you order food with your beer. Whatsamatter with them. Beer IS food!

But a great time was had by all.

This got me to thinking that I ought to post another segment from my (still) unpublished ‘great American novel’. The three main characters have been hunting all day and one of them is relaxing with a beer. (If anyone has a lead on a good agent, let me know!)

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On the trail back, Lehi had a good time telling Grant and Taylor about the exquisite pleasure of a cold beer after a long day of hunting deer. Neither Taylor nor Grant would admit to having tried the forbidden delight.

“Not only does a beer taste fine, and makes you feel fine, especially when you’ve been pickin ‘em up and puttin ‘em down as much as we have today, but it’s good for you! Read about it in any medical book. Look in any heath food store. You’ll see brewer’s yeast there to make you healthy. Now beer has that and more. It’s combined with other pure and natural ingredients to promote long life and make you feel like living it.”

“But take milk! Cow pus, I call it. Now that’s junk food! Full of fat and proteins so bad that they make a lot of people get sick and fart a lot. Farmers shoot their cows full of all kinds of hormones and antibiotics to goose production. It kills the cows after just a few years but the farmers don’t care cause it’s the fastest way to make money and they sell ‘em to Burger King anyway. And it kills you too cause all that bad shit goes straight into the milk.”

“Not beer! No fat at all in beer. And the proteins are pre-digested for you by friendly little yeast. Plus, good carbohydrates give you energy. No wonder the ancients called it liquid bread. Even the little bit of alcohol is just enough to lower your stress, but it don’t do you no harm. In fact, I think that the only thing God has against beer is that he planned to make it available only after you get to the Celestial Glory … so there would be something to make people want to go there. I sure as hell don’t know anything else I’d like about the place. But the secret got out somehow so God made it a sin to drink it.”